new soil

I received an array of succulents for Christmas this year, sweet gifts from friends and family fueling my new hobby of turning my house green. I purchased a bag of soil after Christmas to transplant some and give nutrients to others.

As I scooped and poured, I came to my little tray of cuttings and leaves I had been hoping to propogate that were not doing so well. A sweet friend and more experienced succulent mama told me it could be the soil, so I took off the leaves that looked hopeful, and took the tray outside to remove the old soil, along with the dead leaves.

Grabbing a cup, I filled the tray and spread out the remaining leaves on top of the new soil. They looked so pretty sitting atop the fresh soil. More green and lively. I am giving you new soil, the Lord whispered. And at the moment I knew. Sure, I had already accepted the job and knew.

It was time for a real change for me - for our family - new soil to grow in. New soil for Ricardo to sew into in our family. Time for him to pour into our kiddos, as I have had the opportunity to do the last eight and a half years on a moment by moment basis.

I wrestled with God about I had worked so hard through the diapers, bottle feeding, social worker visits, what felt like never ending well child checkups, naps, snack schedules, endless piles of laundry, organizing and stock piling clothes for each time of year, only to hand it over at its easiest (thus far) season.

I reminded God how I did the hard, foundation building only to hand it over to Ricardo at what feels like the turn key phase. Not to say that parenting is easy, only easier now considering the latter.

This is what I equipped you for, the Lord whispered but that did not make the transition any easier for this mama heart.

Words have been sparse and lost in all the emotions processing going back to work. The only three that seem to do it justice have been HARD.AS.HELL.

Has this been easy for me? By all means no.

Emotions are such a funny thing. One second everything is okay and the next it is tears. That has pretty much been me the past month since I got the job.

I explained it to friends that feels like I am dying. (I know, a bit dramatic and all the working mamas reading this laugh to themselves) But loss is loss and part of that is true. The stay at home mama is no longer at home - for now.
I think that is the perspective shift I have been in need of. The new soil I have been given and the opportunity to let go of the daily grind of mamahood in all its glory and embrace my kiddos running to meet me at the door when I come home after soaking in time spent with their dad.

Some days it felt like I messed up. Like anger or resentment or bitterness. And anyone who knows loss or grief knows it takes time. And there has been a certain amount of processing for me to let it go, trusting God knows what he is doing and will use this season as only He can.  

I have to admit I do not miss all the dishes or breaking up disagreements between my kiddos but I feel the loss of reading books before naps and walks to school but I am grateful Ricardo gets to share in those moments now. I have not cried in over a week and finally soaking in the new roles. My job is amazing, which makes going to work that much better and Ricardo is killing it at home and the kiddos are doing well.

Will it be forever? Probably not but for now I can give thanks to God for this gift of new soil.

As I prayed through this transition, it was a reminder of what we can do with our circumstances and emotions. We can let our thought patterns and emotions build and muster inside of us, similar to sticks of dynamite, ready to explode at any moment at the next person we disagree with; despite not wanting to be holding or creating them at all.

Or we can drop them at the feet of Jesus. We can let him use the loss, grief and emotions to light up the night as we allow him to guide us in the process, providing a light the way for others to use. There is a certain beauty in the brokenness and pain; a commonality and reminder of our humanity. We can all relate to it one way or another; something all too common this side of heaven; some more familiar than others.

Pain has a way of giving. The growth process often takes change to start it, whether it is chosen or not.

Praying wherever you find yourself today that the Lord would meet you there and open your eyes to how He has already gone before you for this very moment. Praying you would be strengthened and find joy in the hard and anger and use them to point others to Jesus, despite the pain of the circumstance because you are loved by a good God and nothing can change that.